"The Benji Pact"

*Sigh*  I survived one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting weeks of my life.  I spent the week in Chicago...mourning the loss of my cousin Benji.  Our days began early in the morning...the entire family and the wonderful volunteers from the community in Gurnee, IL, would gather in a home together.  We would spend the day trying to offer our support and work on preparations for the funeral.  The days were long, emotional, and grueling...sometimes one day felt like two. 

I feel like this week has been a learning experience.  I knew my cousin had lots of friends...but I guess I never realized exactly how many lives he had touched, how many people he had helped, or how active he was in the church and in the community.  It really encouraged me to be a better friend, better sister, better daughter, better cousin...and over all just a better person. 

Benji had lots of great attributes...some that I was very aware of and others that I didn't know.  In honor of him, I decided I would make the "Benji Pact"...it is my promise to him to make changes in my life and take on at least one of his good attributes in order for his memory and legacy to live on.

Before I got married, I talked to Benji every single night.  I was just one of the many people he worked into his schedule every day.  After we both got married, those phone calls weren't as frequent....especially over this past year.  He called me, but I didn't call him.  I was in my own funk...dealing with issues that I didn't want him to worry about...didn't want to share with him because things seemed to be going great in his life, and I didn't think he'd be able to relate.  In essence, I sort of shut him out...and I realized it wasn't just him...it was a lot of people.  Now, I can't call him...and I will never be able to get that year of time back, and  I can't explain to him why I didn't call.   Maybe if I had, he would have brought me out of my funk a long time ago...

I decided that I would make a pact with him to take on his attribute of staying in touch with the ones he loved...his cousins, his aunts/uncles, his parents, his in laws, and friends.  He made time for all of us.  And I'm going to finally break free from my funk and do the same...because I don't want to be faced with regret like this again.  All we have is today...we never know what tomorrow might bring.  I need to show the people I care about that I care...or how will they ever know?  Another attribute that I decided to take on is his friendly nature.  Over the years, I realized that I am becoming more and more shy...I was once voted most friendliest in high school...and now I find myself saying that "I don't need to meet new people...I don't want to make new friends."  This will perhaps be the toughest challenge for me to overcome...but I am determined to do it...and I have made the promise to Benji...so there's no backing out.

Benji was all about his friends, his family, his church, and the community of Gurnee.  He touched so many lives and encouraged so many people...If I can bring joy or laughter or love to just a tenth of the people he has impacted, then I will have led a successful life.  The day after his funeral...all of his cousins on both sides of his family and his brother and sister in law gathered on the lawn to play a game of catch phrase.  We had spent the entire week indoors...in mourning, and we all were craving fresh air and light hearted fun.  As we sat there, laughing and carrying on...I could feel Benji smiling down on us.  It was exactly what he wanted...his family...together...enjoying each other.  Benji was known for bridging gaps...in his church, he bridged the gap between the older generation and the youth by becoming the church secretary and making much needed changes.  He tried so hard to bond with the cousins..and bridge the gaps between us, but he wasn't able to do that in life.  But, he did in death...that day, as we sat on the lawn...I knew that he was thinking that he accomplished what he had set out to do.

Benji, I promise to pick up where you left off...I promise to step out of my box, reach out to others despite what kind of funk I am...I promise to do my best to bring joy to people's lives...as you have brought to mine and so many others.

In 20007, when my cousin Shijo died...Benji called and we talked till the wee hours of the morning, shared our grief and our thoughts about life and death. In 2009, when my favorite uncle in India died...Benji called and we talked till the wee hours of the morning, shared our grief and our thoughts about life and death.

Yesterday, I received the news that Benji died...and I feel lost because he is not here to talk to. I can't seem to get my heart or my brain to accept that he is gone. When I heard about his death, I instantly picked up the phone to call him...hoping beyond hope that it was all a misunderstanding and I'd hear his voice on the other end. I was crushed when that call went to voicemail.

I have no understanding as to why my 30 year old cousin collapsed to his death... Thinking about it sets my mind spinning. In those last moments did he know what was happening to him? Was he scared? My only consolation is that I know that he loved the Lord, he was happy in his life...with his wife, career, friends, and family. He was able to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

But, I will miss the sound of his wheezing laughter (something we have in common), our silly talks, our serious talks, hearing him call me "SueChe"...things I took for granted. In a few hours, I will be on a plane to be with the family...to mourn the loss of the one person in the family who cared the most about the family. I could share countless stories about Benjamin...As I think about him...more and more memories surface...He was a bratty little brother, he was my self-proclaimed wedding planner, we had late night chats and i'd tell him scary stories and he was always too scared to hang up, we'd constantly argue about whether we looked alike or not (i thought we did and he thought we didnt) , we once tried to conduct an experiment on how many people we could get on a 3 way call (we only got 5 people on before that plan went bust), we spent many hours making up secret nicknames for our relatives, he made me laugh so hard I'd pee, and he'd annoy me like none other...but we'd always be friends in the end.

Kenji Burian, you have no idea how much I'll miss you....how much I want you back.
Blogosphere, please pray for his wife...who didn't even get to celebrate their 2nd anniversary....and his parents who lost their only child...for his many, many friends, and us, his family who are struggling with the reality of his loss.

You know you're crafting too much when....

So it's summer, and it's blazing hot. I find it impossible to find shorts in an appropriate length. I'm not about to wear booty shorts, and walking shorts are more like capris for this shorty. So, I wear boys basketball shorts. Yah, I know...it makes me look a little "butch-ish" but hey, they're comfy. Anyway, so today I came over to my mom's to walk with her at the park. Before our walk, my phone rang...it was my friend NC. I sat in a chair outside on the porch and chit-chatted with her. As she was filling me in on the latest...I just so happened to look down. We all know boys basketball shorts are kinda loose...everywhere...like the crotch area. (i can't believe i used the word "crotch" on my blog. I hate that word...just like I hate the word p-a-n-t-i-e-s). Anyway, I digress...I looked down...and attached to my baggy crotch was a piece of hot pink, glittery tulle!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. And I couldn't help but tell NC about my discovery. She said not to feel bad...if anyone saw me...who knew me...they'd just think "oh, Sue's working on another wedding!"

Goodbye, O

I don't think Oprah has a bigger fan than my sister. She sucked me into watching the show as well. The past three days of the show have been so emotional....and I gotta admit, I've shed a few tears along the way. This very last episode couldn't be any more perfect. I feel like I've spent an hour of the day with a really great friend who is taking the time to give me really good advice.

It's funny...earlier today, I was talking to BF about finding a job that I love. I've always worked jobs that left me wishing away Monday -Thursday. My blogs posts from 2005 were merely rants and raves about me hating my job. I don't think God wants us to live that way. Each day should be lived to the fullest...not wished away. It was as if Oprah was listening in on that conversation...because on her show today she talked about "purpose" She said that each one of us have a purpose and we have to go about the business of finding that purpose and pursuing it. She defined purpose as doing something...and knowing in that moment that that's what you're supposed to be doing...that that's what God created you to do.

I have definitely had moments like that in my life...like my book reading in NYC or when I got to speak at a symposium for writer's conference in OKC...probably the most memorable moments in my life...when a lifelong dream was achieved. Sometimes I wonder where that girl went? Life should be filled with many moments like that, but for some reason, I've just stopped actively pursuing my purpose in life. Today, Oprah made me realize that fulfilling my purpose doesn't mean that I have to have a job where I get to write/create things all day. ...as long as I still do those things after my 9-5...the problem is, I always had a way of letting the grind get to me...and stifle me from pursuing my purpose.

I guess you can say, I had my Aha moment. Thank you, Oprah...you will be greatly missed!

So tonight was a little scarey...The weatherman reported several tornadoes spinning through the state of Oklahoma. This happens every year...one year, I was out with friends, and suddenly it started storming and everyone at the restaurant said a tornado was on the way. I left and raced home because my mom was home alone. I was driving towards the house, and I could see the twister coming down the street...right towards me. I got home safely, and the twister went right past us and never touched us. Somehow we've always managed to escape the fury of mother nature. But, I wasn't so sure I'd be as blessed this time.

I knew I couldn't stay home...I live on the second floor, so it's just not safe. I decided to take Mousse and head over to my mom's. I looked through the apartment and thought about whether I should take anything with me. I'm not going to lie...I was veryyyy worried about the decorations I had made for an upcoming bridal shower. But, I realized that it didn't matter if I left them at home or took them to my mom's...either way, it'd be destroyed....all the hours of cutting and gluing would be all for not!

I tucked the decorations safely in my storage closet...although I know it wouldn't be safe there...and looked around the rest of the house to see if there was anything else I wanted to keep safe. Of course there are dozens of pictures framed around the house, but I realized most of em' were on line and could be re-printed. So I packed my favorite jeans, my favorite "I love Canada" t-shirt, and a sweater...and left my apartment...after saying a simple prayer..."please Lord, I know these are just things, but please keep my home and my things safe."

Thankfully, God kept us safe...and our homes safe. But, not everyone in the state was that fortunate. It is painful to see how homes have been stripped down to the foundation...and it's even more painful to know that those people have nowhere to sleep tonight...and tomorrow they literally have to start all over.

I thank God for His amazing grace....so thankful for his protection and provision.

Mousse and I have an afternoon ritual...we watch Dr. Phil...and we typically fall asleep halfway. So, I usually tape the show and watch it later. Last night, I was watching an extremely intense Thunder game. The were playing against the Dallas Mavericks, and all I could think about was their win...and me gloating to CCL...(who probably wouldn't care anyway seeing as how she didn't even know OKC had a NBA team). The intensity was killing me, so I decided to stop watching it...a part of me thought that perhaps I was bringing them bad luck by watching it. (yes, I have stupid thoughts like that) So, I decided to catch up on Dr. Phil.

His show was about bullying...and it really struck a cord with me. I was bullied in school...puhhhlenty of times....for reasons known and unknown. I remember when I was in first grade. My gramps used to pick me up from school, and we'd walk home together. One afternoon, I was waiting for him outside, and this kid came up and started kicking the crap out of me. My gramps walked up just in time...to yell at him in Malayalam (our language) and pull me away from him while a teacher pulled him away from me. I never did understand his random act of violence. He was in my class, but we never spoke. I hardly ever spoke to anyone because I was really shy and quiet. To this day, I think about that kid and wonder why he did what he did...and wonder what ever became of him.

Then there was Jr. High and & high school in Oklahoma..."Cowboys vs. the Indian." Being the only brown girl in my predominately white class wasn't the best experience of my life. I not only represented India, but also the Middle East...because they were ignorant and didn't know better. I heard evrything from "camel jock" to "does your father operate the blueberry squishie machine" (in a thick faux-Indian accent). Oddly enough, the cowboys didn't bother me too much. I knew they were ignorant. But, what did bother me was this one boy...who was a grade younger than me. He picked the things I already hated about myself and made fun of me for it....like my uncontrollably frizzy hair... my far-from-fashionable clothes... and my oversized cheeks. He criticized me for wearing Dexters instead of Cole Haans...and made fun of the way I french rolled my jeans. I tried to stay off his radar most days, but we shared a few classes together, so it was difficult to do.

I don't think he emotionally scarred me...but, I do think that he is the reason that I question my fashion sense to this day! Through the years, I've often fantasized about becoming a prolific, NY Times #1 best selling author and bringing him on Oprah to demand an apology. But, that was definitely a pipe dream! However, a few years ago...our paths did cross again....via Facebook. He had a fancy job in a big city, but was moving back to Oklahoma for grad school. He wanted to hang out some time. I was nervous to say the least. I arranged a night out with a group of our mutual high school friends. I made sure that every strand of my hair was stick straight...and made Matt double and triple check my head to make sure. I also made sure that my jeans were an appropriate length and my overall outfit was fashionable...I put blush on my cheeks hoping it would somehow give the illusion that they slimmed down a bit. Those childood insecurities came back to haunt me.

He was friendly and kind...bought me a drink...and we started talking about the old days. It was interesting how his memories didn't include the daily tormenting of a certain little brown girl. I wasn't about to let him get off so easily. So, I reminded him. He looked ashamed. He admitted that he had thought about his behavior over the years...especially when watching the movie "Flatliners"...which always reminded me of him as well! And then, the unimaginable happened...he apologized. He admitted to being extremely insecure...and that caused him to be a bully. I was shocked....he never seemed insecure...over confident, yes...cocky, yes...but insecure?!? I gotta say, it felt good getting that apology...even though I had to wait 17 years.

It taught me a few things....you never know what kind of pain and insecurities people are hiding inside of them....and also you should never measure your own self worth (or fashion sense) based on other people's opinions. Bullies are just insecure people...who use their words or physical strength to make other people feel as crappy as they do.

Me and my papa in 1980.

You can't see it, but my t-shirt was made by my dad's best friend, and it said "Daddy's Girl" on the front. It was my favorite shirt for years...until I could no longer squeeze myself into it!

Although today marks 24 years since his death...I choose to remember his life and be grateful for having 12 years with an amazing father.

A special birthday shout out to my sweet friend Merly. I'm not quite sure what I would've done if Merly never came into my life. She's not only an amazing craft specialist and helper with I Do Events, but she's an amazing friend. One of my favorite things to do with my friends is to chit chat at the kitchen table...and Merly's always down for a good chat! Merly, Happy Birthday...and thank you for being YOU!

I've never been one of those girls who used my feminine wiles to get what I wanted. Let me just be frank here, I've never even had the opportunity to use my feminine wiles. Hell, I didn't even know I had any. But, I've often marveled at girls who batted their eyelashes a certain way and thus manipulated situations to their advantage. I never thought that I had that in me. Until...

I was working a wedding last Friday night. I was short on helpers...save my one trusty assistant. But, things were behind...and I needed ten more trusty assistants to make up on lost time. We were at the reception site and an old, bald, Egyptian man fancied us. Since we were sweaty and disheveled...I'm pretty certain he was just one of those types who see Indian girls and automatically think they're beautiful because they're Indian...so things like sweat, dishevelment, and steam coming out of my ears didn't dissuade him.

He was ever so eager to be at our beck and call. "Oh, I pick this up for you, mam." "Let me move this box for you, mam." I found it a little creeperish because wherever I turned...there he was...at my service. "I cook good biriyani, mam." I was short-staffed, short on time, and short tempered. So, I wasn't really in the mood to deal with this overly helpful, overly informative creeper. My assistant and I did our best to ignore him, make as little conversation as possible without being completely rude, and get the heck back to the church in time for pre-wedding tasks!

After the wedding we raced back to the reception site to make sure everything was set up properly and ready for show time. By this time, we were parched. It was now 8 pm, and we had been working since noon. As soon as we entered the ballroom....there he was. It was as if he had been waiting for us to return since we left. But, this time, he had a cold glass of tea in his hands for us. I had never been more excited to see unsweetened tea in my life. I took it from him...appreciatively....and drank it as if I had been in the desert for the past 40 years.

And that's when it hit me!...like a ton of bricks! I could totally use my feminine Indian girl wiles to get what I wanted. And what I wanted...was more assistance! "Mo, can you carry this box out to the foyer?"..."Mo, can you please get the sound guy some water?" "Mo, can you please find a to go box for me so I can take a piece of cake home to my husband?" I know...it's horrible....but it was wonderful all at the same time! I've never had someone so eager to do everything I asked! Now, I'm not a complete wretch...I did say thank you and good bye.

Don't worry...I very rarely run across people who think I'm gorgeous just because I'm Indian...so this feminine wiles thing won't get out of hand! And if given another opportunity to try it out again...I will only use it for good and not evil! =)

I've noticed something...I don't do things that I used to really enjoy doing. For instance, I used to make my own jewlery (earrings/bracelets/necklaces) and I stopped doing it because buying jewlery is cheaper. But I miss designing my own accessories...and beading was always a great stress relief! Anddd, I used to be a card sender...I loved sending people greeting cards because I knew how they'd brighten someone's day and break up the monotiny of bills, bills, bills....but I stopped sending them out because blog and facebook shout outs became so much easier. Anddd...I used to be obsessed with eyeshadow. I loved matching my dual-colored indian clothes with the corresponding eyeshadow. My sephora eyeshadow box was my most prized possession...but then I stopped wearing eyeshadow when I realized that my glasses covered it up anyways. Andddd...I used to love taking walks at the lake with Mousse. I really enjoyed the view while I walked...and people watching was always fun. And I stopped walking there because...well, I have no idea why I stopped. So, this week...I walked at the lake twice....and Iit made me realize that I've stopped doing lots of things that I used to love doing. So I'm going to make a conserted effort to bring some of that stuff back into my life....and enjoy myself a little!

Doggie sitting...again. This doggie was an easy one...she's just as luh-azy as Mousse!

I saw the strangest thing on TV the other night. Two women were conversing in Spanish, but they were dressed in Indian attire...as in Sari, dot on the head, bangles, chunky earrings and the whole nine yards!! It was the strangest thing...and I couldn't stop watching. Next there were other shots that were clearly filmed in India, more people dressed in Indian clothes....but everyone was still speaking Spanish...save a few Hindi words like "chalo" and "thee k" (excuse the spellings...I'm sure they're wrong) So, I had to investigate this further....what was this strange show?? Apparently the Spanish Channel created a new television show called India...which airs in Brazil (and obviously the U.S. too!) The soap opera reflects Indian culture and the plot is about a Dalit boy who falls in love with an upper class girl. Brazilians LOVE the show and it's causing an uproar in the country! Brazillians are now apparently obsessed with Indian customs, culture, and fashion! I'm not sure how accurate the representation of India and its culture is....because I can only understand a few words here and there....but I do think it's highly interesting that Brazilians have made an Indian soap opera! Ha!

People say that pets begin to act/look like their owners. And, I'm definitely beginning to see that in Mousse. She's only five...which isn't too terribly old for a lab...just like I'm not too terribly old for a human....but we both just lack energy. If I lay on the couch watching TV, she's typically laying right beside me on the floor...and we both tend to dose off watching Dr. Phil. Of course, she has a passion for food as well...and although she shouldn't eat chocolate, she feens for it...just like I shouldn't eat sugar, but just can't seem to say no. Our friends, Shmerly (Shines & Merly) have two puppies... Freddy Murphy (Murphy & Freddy.) They love Mousse...and that's an understatement. But, she just can't be bothered with them. It reminds me of when I was 9, and my friend NC was 5, and I hated when she came over to our house and threatened to tell my mom if I didn't play with her. I just couldn't be bothered with such a bratty, immature child!! So, as you can see, we have lots in common...me and my Moussey. And then, yesterday something happened that made me realize this doggie was truly meant for me... apparently we are both scaredy cats. She has a big bark...and no bite. And, I try to act tough, but am definitely a weenie inside. So, yesterday a huge fly flew in through the back door. It was one of those massive horse shoe flies. Mousse is typically pretty great at catching flies and anihiliating them....but this one was unstoppable. I think she began to think it was some mutant fly...and if she couldn't get it...maybe it would get her! Whatever the case, it FREAKED her out...and she went and hid in my bathroom.....for hours!! No dog snack or pepperoni could lure her away from her safety zone. It reminded me of when I wasn't feeling well one Sunday and decided to stay home from church. A bird had flown through the chimney and down into our fireplace...and decided to come in the house when it knew no one but me was home!! I have to admit, I hid in the bathroom too...until my mom came home. I love my Moussey!

So, obviously the challenge is OVER...and I failed miserably. Taking pictures AND blogging proved to be too much for me to do. I saw my good buddy, SnuK...at a baby shower this weekend. She told me to take my 30 day challenge and shove it up my ahhh...(she was a little volatile...and understandably so) The people who have read this blog since 2005 are disappointed with my inability to hold it together now. SnuK and I talked about why I don't blog...She's a great listener and very easy to talk to. And before long, I was able to psycho analyze what my problem is......Back in 2005, this blog was my diary. I wrote my daily rants and raves...and it was 100% ME...and what was REALLY going on in my "so called life." But, these days, my "so called life" isn't all that interesting...not much goes on a daily basis. And sometimes, things do go on, and I'm not so eager to share it with the world wide web. So, SnuK gave me some great advice...she said to share short stories...or write whatev...it doesn't have to be a diary of my life events. BRILLIANCE! So, I'm giving this another go...no blog challenges...no promises that I will write daily...but I will make a conserted effort to keep my blog alive. A big thanks to SnuK for asking about my blog, for listening to me ramble, and for caring enough about me to encourage me to keep my passion for writing alive. Anddddd...an even bigger congratulations to her....She received her Doctorate degree and is officially Dr. K!....So very proud of you!!! I love to see people succeed in fields that they are truly passionate about. She takes "history buff" to a another level!!

Day 4

So sue me (no pun intended) for taking a breather in the middle of my 30 day challenge. Three days in a row was quite difficult!! I blame the weather in Oklahoma City...since I have to blame something...It's been dreary and gray, and I'm definitely solar powered. So, since the sun decided to make an appearance today, I decided to write a blog post. =)

Last week, Matt and I were cruising around town in Black Beauty...also known as my 1998, Honda CRV. My old, faithful car is full of dog fur and memories. Lodged under the seat of my car, Matt found a black hair clip (which I would post a picture of, but blogger isn't giving me the option for some reason)...I haven't seen it since the 90's. I used to wear it nearly every day as I twisted my hair in a french twist and clipped it with my favorite clippie.

Since the day he found it under the seat, I haven't stopped wearing it. Although the only person I see wearing this kind of clip now is Snookie. (Sadly, I have more in common with her than just that...I love pickles and am a self-proclaimed "meatball" as well) Anyway, I take it off to sleep, and the first thing I reach for now in the morning is my hair clip...(and I think my glasses are beginning to feel a little neglected).

I stopped to think about why I have this new attachment to something so trivial and ridiculous...and I realized that it is because it represents a good time in my life. Over the past few weeks, I've talked with a few of the "girls" about the lack of friendship in our lives these days. We rarely call each other and see each other even less. Life is now full of family responsibilities...and a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Although this is one of the least busiest times in my life, I find myself making less of an effort to keep in touch with my friends...only because I know how busy they are. Life is never dull, and I'm not bored or in a funk, but I do miss my friends. I miss deep conversations and laughing hysterically about nothing in particular. And, since I currently don't have that...I find myself reminiscing a lot...and holding on to the littlest things that remind me of good times with good friends.

Day 3

Man, it's going to be a long way to 30 days. I'm quickly running out of things to photograph and blog about and it's only day 3. But, a quitter I'm not...so I will keep blogging even if it bores you to tears.

These are my kicks...my sneaks...quite possibly my favorite pair of shoes. I love them because they are easy...and versatile. But, I catch a lot of slack for wearing them. Mainly because of how I wear them....I don't like wearing socks with them because they make my feet sweat. And, I just slip them on instead of carefully placing my foot in them and then tying the laces. Apparently, it bothers a few people that the tongues of my shoes are crammed into my shoe, and I don't do anything to fix the situation. But, if I did...they wouldn't be easy...and I wouldn't love them. Is there something so wrong in going out in public like this? Are there really people out there that are paying attention to the tongues of my shoes??

Anyway, I love/d my shoes up until last week. It was Spring Break, and my 13 year old niece was visiting...she was sporting shoes juse like this but with the tongues in proper position. It made me wonder....Should a 30 something be wearing shoes that a 13 year old's wearing? My 20 something cousins assured me that it was fine...that it showed I was modern and keeping up with fashion. But, err...I'm not quite so sure. I see 40 somethings dressing like their teenage kids all the time. My pet peeve is when I see adult women wearing those knit/sweat pants with something stamped across their posterior. The whole thing has made me reevaluate my wardrobe.

Getting older is not an easy thing to do. I wonder sometimes if it's still okay to like the music I liked in my 20's...because I'm not ready to let Biggie Smalls go!!! I think I will forever be "Hypnotized!" Sometimes I feel weird talking to my nephew and niece about music because I wonder if they think I'm some old lady who is trying to be hip.

I realize I'm not a spring chicken anymore....And I do try my best to dress my age, although I may not always succeed. There are a few staple pieces in my wardrobe that I'm not ready to let go of...whether it's age appropriate or not....#1. my sneaks and #2. my tights and #3. my black cardigan (which is just timeless in my opinion!) =)

Day 2

Happy Birthday to my dear friend, Sunu

We have spent many birthdays together...driving around trying to find ways to celebrate. Back then we thought celebrating our birthdays in OKC sucked. Now, I'm quite sure she's wishing that she could be celebrating here.

Sunu, you may be far away...but you're definitely not forgotten. I hope you are having a fantastic day with your hubs and friends. Wishing you many blessings for the new year in your life! P.S. Come. Home.

Day 1

So, I got called out by my friend, Terrance about the 30 day blog challenge that never was. So, I had to stop making excuses about it and do it! One night as I tossed and turned, I thought that this challenge was a pretty great idea...a perfect way to keep me blogging. And the next morning, I thought..."what were you thinking?!?"

So...here's the premise. I remembered how I used to carry a camera with me...EVERYWHERE. Nowadays, I never have one on hand...and my camera phone bites, so I rely on the kindness of others for photos. So, I thought that perhaps I could tote my camera around daily again...and blog about my pics. And thus, my 30 day blog challenge.

So far, I've failed miserably!! But, Terry sort of made me realize that I left the blogosphere hanging, so I guess I will give it a try...

Today's pic is of my niece, Marissa. She turned the big 1-3 today!! So a big...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her. Unfortunately, I'm painfully aware that my niece and nephews are no longer babies. I was lucky enough that they all lived close to me as babies...and I could give them their bottles, put them to sleep, and play with them. It's been fun to watch them grow up...but I also miss how cute and cuddly they were as babies! I remember how Marissa used to toddle around my house when she was a baby. She was the ultimate girly girl...I remember coming home from work one day and finding her in my room, in a laundry basket, with nail polish all over. She was passed out...I'm pretty sure it was from the fumes! And now, here she is...all grown up...a smart, resilient, beautiful teenager.

I know the years are just going to fly by...and next she'll be in her twenties (SHREIK!) So, Sue Aunty is going to cherish every visit and every birthday party that I'm invited to =)...

The "I Do Events" blog had a facelift....check it out! http://www.idoeventsokc.blogspot.com/

PS...stay tuned. I'm doing a 30 day blog challenge starting tomorrow!

I watched a show last night on OWN. Lisa Ling was reporting on faith-based healings/healers. I was already in a very emotional mood and probably should have recorded the show and watched it another day. But I just had to watch it last night...One story in particular really tugged at my heart strings. A man had gotten in a car accident at age 18 and had a brain injury which affected his speech. As if that wasn't bad enough, years later he fell off his roof and is now paralyzed. He attended a healing conference and believed 100% that God would heal him on the last day of the conference in the last 10 minutes. He said that God spoke to him and told him this.

Perhaps it's my lack of faith...but I knew he wouldn't leave the conference healed. But as they showed the last ten minutes of the conference (the time he was supposed to be healed), I found myself crying and praying..."Please God let him be healed." Well, he wasn't. Lisa Ling had become very attached to the man, and she too was crying watching him still sitting in his wheel chair. She went to him and checked on him to see if he was okay....and instead of being disappointed or angry...he lay his hand on Lisa Ling's and prayed for her. He also said that the life he's living now is just but a moment in time...but in heaven, he'll be healed and that will be an eternity. Now, that really made me cry!

I thought that a lot of people probably watched this show and thought that faith/healing/God is all just a bunch of hocus pocus. But, I thought that showing this man and his story really was a great example of what faith truly is. It was really encouraging! I could completely relate to his story...and I'm sure a lot of people can. I've prayed and believed a 100% for a miracle before. Unfortunately, that miracle never happened. It took me years to believe and have faith again. I avoided praying for important things because I didn't want to feel like I was being ignored or feel like God didn't care...or just be plain disappointed. But over the years, I've realized that faith is not just believing in the outcome you desire, but believing God is always in control....trusting in Him through the good and the bad.

It's not easy...I find myself struggling with it on a daily basis. When you're dreams are dashed...it's hard to immediately refocus your mind on God's goodness instead of the terrible pain you're feeling or the heartbreak you are going through. But, that is what God wants from us...an unwavering faith and understanding of how GREAT his love is....at all times.