I miss my old life...

Lately I have felt like I sort of drift through my day.   Very rarely do I watch TV or crack open a book.  Most of the time, I play music from my iTunes and rock in a rocking chair, or sit out on the balcony and stare at whatever happens to catch my eye.  I have so many things cluttering my mind that I'm not really conscious of what's happening to me in the moment.  But every once in a while, I suddenly become very aware of the present.  This typically happens when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see my shadow and notice there is no hair flying haphazardly in the wind.  The other day it happened when they were tattooing me for radiation.  In those moments, I find myself thinking..."how is this happening?"  or "why is this happening?"  or "I can't believe this is happening!!"

Cancer is hard to describe.  I can't feel my tumor.  It doesn't cause me pain unless I'm swallowing.  The treatments for cancer make me sicker than the cancer itself.  But even more than not feeling physically well...I just don't feel emotionally well.  Everything in my life has changed drastically...and it's changing continuously and quickly.  I can't keep up with it, really.  I just want to press pause...better yet, stop.  But I can't.  I just need a minute to process things, but most days I don't have a minute.  Bad news is thrown at me...in the face.  

It's hard to get people to understand how it feels.  Everyone wants me to fight and be a warrior.  But, have you met me?  I may look gangsta now since I don't have hair...but I'm not a fighter or a warrior...i'm a crafter...my weapon of choice is a hot glue gun. Sometimes I just need time to cry...a lot...wrap my head around the situation, and then face it.  This week has been a grueling one...I've become really aware of the fact that my life as I have known it is completely changed and different.  And perhaps it is temporary, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.  

I miss taking Mousse for walks.  I miss hanging out with my mom on Saturdays.  I miss getting ready for work every morning and then staring at the clock until 5 pm.  I miss cooking in my kitchen.  I miss sitting around my dining table chatting with my friends for hours.  I miss my old life....