I spent three hours today sorting through mail, paying bills, and writing thank you cards. It's the first time this entire week that I've had energy to do much of anything other than laying in bed. I thought since I had accomplished a few things, I should probably go to the grocery store to stock up on a few necessities for my last week here. But, that wasn't a good idea. By the time I got back to the car, I just wanted to curl up in the back seat, groan, and sleep off the pain.
I know eventually I'll feel better...but I don't know when. And it's beginning to make me a little blue. I know that I should be elated that I only have one more day of radiation and chemo left. But in my mind, I am thinking...Geez, I still have on more day left?!? I'm pretty sure my roasted insides are contributing to my negative attitude.
I want to end this week out in good spirits...and go home and let my body recuperate. I'm trying to reflect on the positives, but when you're in pain that's really hard to do. When I look back at the past two months...I can't believe that I first came to Houston expecting only to be here for four days. I remember when cousin Mikey and I went to MD Anderson for my first appointment...We were there for 8 hours and it was so exhausting and overwhelming trying to navigate our way around. After that, I realized that I was stuck here for a while...I had to find a place to live, figure out my way around the city and the hospital, and handle two weeks of treatment on my own before my family and friends could come out and help. Looking back, it was all SO much to deal with. I know that there's no way I could have done any of it with out God... This morning I got an email from one of my sweet friends in Philly. He told me that his baby girl prays for me every night. That email made me think about how many people are bombarding heaven with prayers on my behalf...and how those prayers have helped me get through these past few months.
I try to remind myself of all the ways I'm blessed and how much all this has shown me about God and His grace...but I find myself losing my focus when I am so weak physically and emotionally. For the first time since this whole nightmare started...I feel like I'm at my breaking point. Every morning for the past week, I've been driving to radiation in tears thinking I just can't handle another day. My insides hurt. I'm tired...and I really want this to be over. On Monday...I will reach my half-way point of treatment. I'm not going to lie...the thought of surgery and recovery are extremely daunting. I try not to even think about it. I remind myself to not think ahead but focus on each day as it comes.
With that in mind...tomorrow, I'm hoping to have enough energy to go to a kite festival at the park across the street. It seems like a beautiful way to wrap up my last weekend here. I hope to have amazing pictures to post. I also need to get some sweet treats to give to the radiation crew on my last day! Even though the experience has been horrible...everyone at MDA...from the valet guys and receptionist to the radiation techs made this experience so much more bearable, and I feel like I need to express my gratitude to them. And what better way is there than expressing gratitude with cupcakes? One thing is definitely for sure...although, I appreciate all of them, parting will NOT be such sweet sorrow!
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