The past few weeks have been the hardest of my entire cancer journey thus far. I've been in lots of pain due to a leaky feeding tube, barely slept at night, and have had tons of anxiety just worrying about what is yet to come. The strength and determination I had at at the beginning seemed to disappear beneath the mounds of pain I have been feeling. Slowly but surely...I was beginning to feel myself crumble. At night, I would wake up in pain and spend hours awake...crying and pleading with God. When the sun finally came up, I was so tired from not sleeping that I would either sleep most of the day or just feel extremely anxious about the entire situation. My sister has been with me for the past month and has been such an immense help to me. She is going home next week and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it without her.
Just a few weeks ago I was cooking...painting a craft table...visiting with friends and family...and now everything is different. It's been hard to think about how quickly things have changed and how dependent I've become on my family. I've been so weak I was extremely worried about starting chemo last Monday. I had no idea how I would have the energy to sit there for a 5 hour infusion. Sunday night, I remember asking my friend Krissy to pray that I would have enough energy to make it through my first chemo infusion. My mom was also up half the night praying that I would have energy to make it through the next day because she was so worried. Although I had very little sleep the night before, I made it through my infusion perfectly fine and did well the entire day.
The next day, however, things took a turn for the worse. I discovered my feeding tube was leaking and it was causing a lot of pain. A few days later, I was able to have a minor procedure and change out the feeding tube, and it has made a world of difference. After the procedure I came home and slept, but woke up intermittently because I was having terrible dreams. I'm pretty sure those dreams stemmed from the dosage of pain meds they had given me while they swapped out the feeding tube. My mom came over to pray for me, and I asked her to specifically pray that I would have good dreams. I remember praying with her and telling God..."I know these weird dreams are because of he pain meds, but you are stronger than any pain medication." That night I didn't jolt awake from bad dreams, but I slept very little due to the pain.
I realized that I needed to start praying really specific prayers...and asking others to pray specific prayers too. So, yesterday when my cancer buddy's wife texted me, I asked her to pray specifically that I get a good night's rest. It had been so many weeks...and I have to admit, I had my doubts. But for the first time in a very long time, I slept through the whole night...only getting up to go to the bathroom.
I realize that God is trying to show me that I need to pray for specific things...no matter how trivial they are, so I will know...beyond a shout of a doubt...that He is with me and that He is listening and that He is answering my prayers. I should be anxious for nothing...but instead bring my prayers and requests to God. I decided to share those requests with the blogosphere so you can pray over them too. So many of you have asked how you can help me...and really there is nothing more you can do for me that would benefit me more than prayer.
That being said...here are the specifics:
Just a few weeks ago I was cooking...painting a craft table...visiting with friends and family...and now everything is different. It's been hard to think about how quickly things have changed and how dependent I've become on my family. I've been so weak I was extremely worried about starting chemo last Monday. I had no idea how I would have the energy to sit there for a 5 hour infusion. Sunday night, I remember asking my friend Krissy to pray that I would have enough energy to make it through my first chemo infusion. My mom was also up half the night praying that I would have energy to make it through the next day because she was so worried. Although I had very little sleep the night before, I made it through my infusion perfectly fine and did well the entire day.
The next day, however, things took a turn for the worse. I discovered my feeding tube was leaking and it was causing a lot of pain. A few days later, I was able to have a minor procedure and change out the feeding tube, and it has made a world of difference. After the procedure I came home and slept, but woke up intermittently because I was having terrible dreams. I'm pretty sure those dreams stemmed from the dosage of pain meds they had given me while they swapped out the feeding tube. My mom came over to pray for me, and I asked her to specifically pray that I would have good dreams. I remember praying with her and telling God..."I know these weird dreams are because of he pain meds, but you are stronger than any pain medication." That night I didn't jolt awake from bad dreams, but I slept very little due to the pain.
I realized that I needed to start praying really specific prayers...and asking others to pray specific prayers too. So, yesterday when my cancer buddy's wife texted me, I asked her to pray specifically that I get a good night's rest. It had been so many weeks...and I have to admit, I had my doubts. But for the first time in a very long time, I slept through the whole night...only getting up to go to the bathroom.
I realize that God is trying to show me that I need to pray for specific things...no matter how trivial they are, so I will know...beyond a shout of a doubt...that He is with me and that He is listening and that He is answering my prayers. I should be anxious for nothing...but instead bring my prayers and requests to God. I decided to share those requests with the blogosphere so you can pray over them too. So many of you have asked how you can help me...and really there is nothing more you can do for me that would benefit me more than prayer.
That being said...here are the specifics:
- Please pray that I will be able to continue to sleep through the night and get good rest.
- This week I have an appointment with a nutritionist...please pray that the appointment will be beneficial and that I will be able to find the best nutrition available through the feeding pump.
- I don't want to be on the feeding pump forever. I prayed for thirst and God has given me thirst and I'm able to drink most things. Please pray that God will give me hunger as well so I can eat by mouth.
- Please pray that my pain will subside and that I will start feeling stronger and more like myself with each passing day.
