*Sigh* I survived one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting weeks of my life. I spent the week in Chicago...mourning the loss of my cousin Benji. Our days began early in the morning...the entire family and the wonderful volunteers from the community in Gurnee, IL, would gather in a home together. We would spend the day trying to offer our support and work on preparations for the funeral. The days were long, emotional, and grueling...sometimes one day felt like two.
I feel like this week has been a learning experience. I knew my cousin had lots of friends...but I guess I never realized exactly how many lives he had touched, how many people he had helped, or how active he was in the church and in the community. It really encouraged me to be a better friend, better sister, better daughter, better cousin...and over all just a better person.
Benji had lots of great attributes...some that I was very aware of and others that I didn't know. In honor of him, I decided I would make the "Benji Pact"...it is my promise to him to make changes in my life and take on at least one of his good attributes in order for his memory and legacy to live on.
Before I got married, I talked to Benji every single night. I was just one of the many people he worked into his schedule every day. After we both got married, those phone calls weren't as frequent....especially over this past year. He called me, but I didn't call him. I was in my own funk...dealing with issues that I didn't want him to worry about...didn't want to share with him because things seemed to be going great in his life, and I didn't think he'd be able to relate. In essence, I sort of shut him out...and I realized it wasn't just him...it was a lot of people. Now, I can't call him...and I will never be able to get that year of time back, and I can't explain to him why I didn't call. Maybe if I had, he would have brought me out of my funk a long time ago...
I decided that I would make a pact with him to take on his attribute of staying in touch with the ones he loved...his cousins, his aunts/uncles, his parents, his in laws, and friends. He made time for all of us. And I'm going to finally break free from my funk and do the same...because I don't want to be faced with regret like this again. All we have is today...we never know what tomorrow might bring. I need to show the people I care about that I care...or how will they ever know? Another attribute that I decided to take on is his friendly nature. Over the years, I realized that I am becoming more and more shy...I was once voted most friendliest in high school...and now I find myself saying that "I don't need to meet new people...I don't want to make new friends." This will perhaps be the toughest challenge for me to overcome...but I am determined to do it...and I have made the promise to Benji...so there's no backing out.
Benji was all about his friends, his family, his church, and the community of Gurnee. He touched so many lives and encouraged so many people...If I can bring joy or laughter or love to just a tenth of the people he has impacted, then I will have led a successful life. The day after his funeral...all of his cousins on both sides of his family and his brother and sister in law gathered on the lawn to play a game of catch phrase. We had spent the entire week indoors...in mourning, and we all were craving fresh air and light hearted fun. As we sat there, laughing and carrying on...I could feel Benji smiling down on us. It was exactly what he wanted...his family...together...enjoying each other. Benji was known for bridging gaps...in his church, he bridged the gap between the older generation and the youth by becoming the church secretary and making much needed changes. He tried so hard to bond with the cousins..and bridge the gaps between us, but he wasn't able to do that in life. But, he did in death...that day, as we sat on the lawn...I knew that he was thinking that he accomplished what he had set out to do.
Benji, I promise to pick up where you left off...I promise to step out of my box, reach out to others despite what kind of funk I am...I promise to do my best to bring joy to people's lives...as you have brought to mine and so many others.
I feel like this week has been a learning experience. I knew my cousin had lots of friends...but I guess I never realized exactly how many lives he had touched, how many people he had helped, or how active he was in the church and in the community. It really encouraged me to be a better friend, better sister, better daughter, better cousin...and over all just a better person.
Benji had lots of great attributes...some that I was very aware of and others that I didn't know. In honor of him, I decided I would make the "Benji Pact"...it is my promise to him to make changes in my life and take on at least one of his good attributes in order for his memory and legacy to live on.
Before I got married, I talked to Benji every single night. I was just one of the many people he worked into his schedule every day. After we both got married, those phone calls weren't as frequent....especially over this past year. He called me, but I didn't call him. I was in my own funk...dealing with issues that I didn't want him to worry about...didn't want to share with him because things seemed to be going great in his life, and I didn't think he'd be able to relate. In essence, I sort of shut him out...and I realized it wasn't just him...it was a lot of people. Now, I can't call him...and I will never be able to get that year of time back, and I can't explain to him why I didn't call. Maybe if I had, he would have brought me out of my funk a long time ago...
I decided that I would make a pact with him to take on his attribute of staying in touch with the ones he loved...his cousins, his aunts/uncles, his parents, his in laws, and friends. He made time for all of us. And I'm going to finally break free from my funk and do the same...because I don't want to be faced with regret like this again. All we have is today...we never know what tomorrow might bring. I need to show the people I care about that I care...or how will they ever know? Another attribute that I decided to take on is his friendly nature. Over the years, I realized that I am becoming more and more shy...I was once voted most friendliest in high school...and now I find myself saying that "I don't need to meet new people...I don't want to make new friends." This will perhaps be the toughest challenge for me to overcome...but I am determined to do it...and I have made the promise to Benji...so there's no backing out.
Benji was all about his friends, his family, his church, and the community of Gurnee. He touched so many lives and encouraged so many people...If I can bring joy or laughter or love to just a tenth of the people he has impacted, then I will have led a successful life. The day after his funeral...all of his cousins on both sides of his family and his brother and sister in law gathered on the lawn to play a game of catch phrase. We had spent the entire week indoors...in mourning, and we all were craving fresh air and light hearted fun. As we sat there, laughing and carrying on...I could feel Benji smiling down on us. It was exactly what he wanted...his family...together...enjoying each other. Benji was known for bridging gaps...in his church, he bridged the gap between the older generation and the youth by becoming the church secretary and making much needed changes. He tried so hard to bond with the cousins..and bridge the gaps between us, but he wasn't able to do that in life. But, he did in death...that day, as we sat on the lawn...I knew that he was thinking that he accomplished what he had set out to do.
Benji, I promise to pick up where you left off...I promise to step out of my box, reach out to others despite what kind of funk I am...I promise to do my best to bring joy to people's lives...as you have brought to mine and so many others.
3 comments:
do it. :)
Sue, what a great idea. You should absolutely do it - because it will continue to keep him alive in a very real way. I know that this has been a rough one, I'm hoping that you got lots of hugs. Talk soon. - Jana
i heard his testimony/slideshow. i was in tears! what a great guy. i am glad i met him at your wedding. and i am glad u came out of your funk! i expect emails :)
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