In 20007, when my cousin Shijo died...Benji called and we talked till the wee hours of the morning, shared our grief and our thoughts about life and death. In 2009, when my favorite uncle in India died...Benji called and we talked till the wee hours of the morning, shared our grief and our thoughts about life and death.

Yesterday, I received the news that Benji died...and I feel lost because he is not here to talk to. I can't seem to get my heart or my brain to accept that he is gone. When I heard about his death, I instantly picked up the phone to call him...hoping beyond hope that it was all a misunderstanding and I'd hear his voice on the other end. I was crushed when that call went to voicemail.

I have no understanding as to why my 30 year old cousin collapsed to his death... Thinking about it sets my mind spinning. In those last moments did he know what was happening to him? Was he scared? My only consolation is that I know that he loved the Lord, he was happy in his life...with his wife, career, friends, and family. He was able to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

But, I will miss the sound of his wheezing laughter (something we have in common), our silly talks, our serious talks, hearing him call me "SueChe"...things I took for granted. In a few hours, I will be on a plane to be with the family...to mourn the loss of the one person in the family who cared the most about the family. I could share countless stories about Benjamin...As I think about him...more and more memories surface...He was a bratty little brother, he was my self-proclaimed wedding planner, we had late night chats and i'd tell him scary stories and he was always too scared to hang up, we'd constantly argue about whether we looked alike or not (i thought we did and he thought we didnt) , we once tried to conduct an experiment on how many people we could get on a 3 way call (we only got 5 people on before that plan went bust), we spent many hours making up secret nicknames for our relatives, he made me laugh so hard I'd pee, and he'd annoy me like none other...but we'd always be friends in the end.

Kenji Burian, you have no idea how much I'll miss you....how much I want you back.
Blogosphere, please pray for his wife...who didn't even get to celebrate their 2nd anniversary....and his parents who lost their only child...for his many, many friends, and us, his family who are struggling with the reality of his loss.