Mousse and I have an afternoon ritual...we watch Dr. Phil...and we typically fall asleep halfway. So, I usually tape the show and watch it later. Last night, I was watching an extremely intense Thunder game. The were playing against the Dallas Mavericks, and all I could think about was their win...and me gloating to CCL...(who probably wouldn't care anyway seeing as how she didn't even know OKC had a NBA team). The intensity was killing me, so I decided to stop watching it...a part of me thought that perhaps I was bringing them bad luck by watching it. (yes, I have stupid thoughts like that) So, I decided to catch up on Dr. Phil.

His show was about bullying...and it really struck a cord with me. I was bullied in school...puhhhlenty of times....for reasons known and unknown. I remember when I was in first grade. My gramps used to pick me up from school, and we'd walk home together. One afternoon, I was waiting for him outside, and this kid came up and started kicking the crap out of me. My gramps walked up just in time...to yell at him in Malayalam (our language) and pull me away from him while a teacher pulled him away from me. I never did understand his random act of violence. He was in my class, but we never spoke. I hardly ever spoke to anyone because I was really shy and quiet. To this day, I think about that kid and wonder why he did what he did...and wonder what ever became of him.

Then there was Jr. High and & high school in Oklahoma..."Cowboys vs. the Indian." Being the only brown girl in my predominately white class wasn't the best experience of my life. I not only represented India, but also the Middle East...because they were ignorant and didn't know better. I heard evrything from "camel jock" to "does your father operate the blueberry squishie machine" (in a thick faux-Indian accent). Oddly enough, the cowboys didn't bother me too much. I knew they were ignorant. But, what did bother me was this one boy...who was a grade younger than me. He picked the things I already hated about myself and made fun of me for it....like my uncontrollably frizzy hair... my far-from-fashionable clothes... and my oversized cheeks. He criticized me for wearing Dexters instead of Cole Haans...and made fun of the way I french rolled my jeans. I tried to stay off his radar most days, but we shared a few classes together, so it was difficult to do.

I don't think he emotionally scarred me...but, I do think that he is the reason that I question my fashion sense to this day! Through the years, I've often fantasized about becoming a prolific, NY Times #1 best selling author and bringing him on Oprah to demand an apology. But, that was definitely a pipe dream! However, a few years ago...our paths did cross again....via Facebook. He had a fancy job in a big city, but was moving back to Oklahoma for grad school. He wanted to hang out some time. I was nervous to say the least. I arranged a night out with a group of our mutual high school friends. I made sure that every strand of my hair was stick straight...and made Matt double and triple check my head to make sure. I also made sure that my jeans were an appropriate length and my overall outfit was fashionable...I put blush on my cheeks hoping it would somehow give the illusion that they slimmed down a bit. Those childood insecurities came back to haunt me.

He was friendly and kind...bought me a drink...and we started talking about the old days. It was interesting how his memories didn't include the daily tormenting of a certain little brown girl. I wasn't about to let him get off so easily. So, I reminded him. He looked ashamed. He admitted that he had thought about his behavior over the years...especially when watching the movie "Flatliners"...which always reminded me of him as well! And then, the unimaginable happened...he apologized. He admitted to being extremely insecure...and that caused him to be a bully. I was shocked....he never seemed insecure...over confident, yes...cocky, yes...but insecure?!? I gotta say, it felt good getting that apology...even though I had to wait 17 years.

It taught me a few things....you never know what kind of pain and insecurities people are hiding inside of them....and also you should never measure your own self worth (or fashion sense) based on other people's opinions. Bullies are just insecure people...who use their words or physical strength to make other people feel as crappy as they do.