When I first started this blog six years ago, it was more like my "on-line diary."  I kept it real and revealed the good...the bad...the ugly...and the funny...in my life.  I think that's why people stay tuned.  My honesty was interesting, I suppose.  Lately, I find that I blog less because I don't want to keep it real anymore.  It's harder to talk about the good, bad, and the ugly...and very little has been funny.  It's been hard for me to talk about "things" to people that I'm close too in real life...so how could I possibly post my thoughts on the world wide web for the whole blogosphere to read??

But, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, my cousin's death made me re-think my life...it made me realize that I was shutting people out and his testimony made me realize that we all have a story to share.  Sometimes just sharing our story can make someone else feel encouraged or not so alone in their problems or just simply make them stop and re-evaluate.  I love to write...I love stories...real life ones especially...so I...of all people...should know the importance of my story.  So I'm going to share it today...

A little over a year ago, I lost my job...Five days later, I got test results back from the doctor that didn't look too good.  Although I felt fine, I was sick.  I was prescribed medicine...and had to get tested every few months to see if I was getting better or getting worse.  The side effect of the medicine was pain...and I felt it every single day...some days more intense than others.  This combined with the fact that I was jobless took its' toll on me.  It was the first time since I was sixteen years old that I had not been working.  It was a total blow to my ego...I was applying for jobs that I was qualified for and that I was over qualified for...and nothing opened up.  I threw myself into "I Do Events"...and thankfully it kept me busy enough to keep me sane and provided me with the extra money I needed to stay afloat.  In fact, the whole time that I didn't have a full time job...I never had to borrow a cent and not one bill was ever paid late. I had an event of some kind every month...and sometimes two. But still, I avoided people...because I didn't want anyone to ask me how I was doing. That simple question..."how are you?"...would make me cringe.

As I mentioned, Benji was one of those people I avoided.  He knew what was going on with me...but I knew he was worried about me, and I didn't want to talk about my problems and make him worry more...especially when things seemed to be going so great for him.  I felt like I was a kill-joy...and I just didn't want to drag anyone down by telling them what was going on with me.  I felt like God had stripped me of my power...(as if I had any to begin with).  I've got to be honest and admit that I'm a control freak...I guess that's why I love planning weddings...I love knowing that if I'm organized and detailed, I have the ability of producing an amazing event.  The outcome is in my control.  But nothing about my life was in my control.  I wasn't mad at God...I knew he was teaching me a lesson.  I did question him though...why now?  why at the same time?  why wasn't I getting jobs that I knew I was qualified for?  But, I knew ultimately it was out of my control and in His hands...and I had to wait. And if you know me...you know I HATE waiting....I can't even endure Oklahoma City traffic, which basically shouldn't even be considered traffic...I instantly begin wishing my car could go into fly mode.

The week after I returned home from Chicago...from burying my cousin...I got a call from my Dr...my test results (after a year) were clear...five days later, I got a job.  (Yep, exactly in reverse...a year prior, I lost my job, and five days later, I got the bad test result.)  Coincidence?  Maybe...but, I don't think so.  I know it was all God's plan...for me to have time to get well, and then get a job once I was better.  A part of me even thinks that Benji went up to Heaven and pulled some strings for me...He didn't want to see me sad anymore. 

It taught me a valuable lesson....Life isn't always fair...or happy.  It doesn't always make sense.  There are good times...there are bad times... Times when tears are endless and times when laughter is hard to control.  And in all those times...God is always God...He is always in control...we have no choice but to trust in Him...relent the power we think we have, and let Him take over.  I heard this song at church one Sunday...and it brought me to tears.  I've lived this song...I hope it blesses you as it does me...