Last week, a man from my church died, and this weekend was his funeral. Although I didn't know him and never spoke to him, he was the husband, father, grandfather, and uncle to people that I do know...and it was difficult to see them grieving. As I sat in the service on Saturday, it was inevitable that my mind reeled back in time to remember another funeral 21 years ago.
With the memories of my father's funeral fresh in my mind, I asked my mom if I could take home the photo album of pictures from his funeral...it was something I wanted Matt to see. Although, I've only seen it a handful of times, I was sure that I was immune to the sadness that it might cause....I was wrong.
21 years later, many of the faces in the album have changed, and many of the people who attended that funeral are now with my father in heaven...It was hard to hold back tears when I saw my sullen-faced uncles and aunts...20 years younger, with slimmer wastelines, and darker hair....and the tear-stained faces of my cousins...then in their early twenties, others not yet teens, and others just babies...but all sad and confused. And then, there was the four of us...the grieving images of my mom, brother, sister, and me...I remembered my thoughts at that time and I'm sure their thoughts were the same. I wondered then how we could ever go on with out him....how life would be without his presence...
I realized that my grief now is not the same as my grief then...I grieve now about what he's missed...the grandchildren he's never held...giving away his daughters...retiring with his wife. And I grieve thinking about the 4 of us...and how much we had to get through...alone...with out him...and how very difficult it has been.
People say that time heals all wounds, but it doesn't. Time pushes you forward and forces you to keep going. And God gives you the strength you need to do so. But the wounds are always there...and although the pain doesn't sting as much as it does as the day you lost your loved one...it's still there...a dull, sharp pain that never goes away.
Monday, March 03, 2008
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3 comments:
i cannot even imagine what you went through, but i agree with you on wounds never going away, only getting used to the pain, and realizing you do go on somehow.
the void can never be filled, but im sure for all those events you know he missed here on earth, the fact that he is in pain and suffering no longer is a comfort.
whenever, i feel overwhelmed about losing loved ones i remember the peace that Jesus gives us in John 14:27, and it just gives me instant comfort.
like sib, i too can't stretch my imagination this far...or maybe i don't want to. i know we all have to face the mortality of our loved ones, but of course we'd like to postpone thinking about the inevitable.
i don't know how you managed to go through so many momentous events without your father there. i admire the courage and fortitude you've demonstrated by living a life he'd surely be proud of over the past 2 decades.
may God continue to guide your family and provide you with peace and comfort in knowing that you will be reunited with your papa bear one day.
i also will not try to say i understand your pain or your family. im sure it will always be hard but remember your dad has been there with you all thru out these years, smiling down every day.
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