The things that clutter my mind...

I talked with Scorpsy last night when she was feeling a bit blue. Ever the advice-giver, I suggested she use the blog to vent her frustrations. It's the perfect space to do so, since you can't be interrupted. So, I decided to take my own advice. My mind has been cluttered lately. That's the best term I can use to describe it. I shy away from discussing my issues with ANYONE because I'm quite sure people are tired of hearing about it and I don't think many would understand. It's hard to understand a position you've never been in.

I'm not seeking anything from anyone by writing this. Please don't feel compelled to give me advice or moral support...I'm not fishing for compliments or trying to get anyone to rally to my side. I'm just using my space to vent. Nothing more...Nothing less.

The things that clutter my mind....

Lately I wonder if my creativity is officially plugged up. I just read Harry Potter. I must be the last person in America to JUST read the first book of the series and jump on the band wagon. But I'm always a day late and a dollar short. People like JK Rowling and Janet Fitch, the author of White Oleander, inspire and amaze me. They were dreamers who had little hope, but were discovered and rewarded for dreaming. But, then I heard this little voice inside my head tell me that could never happen to me. I feel talentless. In my college days, I tapped into a source of creativity and found it so easy to come up with subject matter for my short stories. And now that source has completely run dry. I've always been one to think that judging a person's writing and creativity is virtually impossible. Everyone has a different style which attracts various types of readers. But now, I feel as if I have no style...

A part of me is certain that my inability to write is because of my lack of writing right now. I'm stuck in an 8-5 that completely stifles me. It uses one portion of my brain, but not the other that screams to be used. I've boxed away everything I love and everything I'm good at for a steady income and a 401k. I stay stifled because I enjoy security way too much and my biggest fear is failure. I've done it way too many times in my life and oddly, I find it less traumatic to sit and rot then to try and fail. I've finally discovered a career that might help me breathe some life back to my writing while allowing me to enjoy the luxury of a steady income. But it's a field I know little about and must research at great length before I deem it "secure." Hopefully, it will be what I need to restore some semblance of sanity to my life. Not only will it allow me freedom to financially pursue some of goals, but it will allow me to use the other side of my brain that's been neglected.

When I was a kid...I used to think driving a car was something so "out there." It seemed like such an impossible feat to actually learn to drive and pass a test. But eventually, I took the steps to achieve the goal...driver's ed, practice drives, learner's permit, and finally my driver's license. Although it seemed impossible, I eventually achieved it. Marriage seemed the say way...It was so "out there." The idea of meeting a guy, loving him, him loving me, and him proposing to me was something that boggled my mind...but like the driving, I figured it'd happen some day. I've done all the appropriate steps...or so I think. I've met guys on my own...I've allowed family to try to play matchmaker...I've even went to India to see what all the hype's about....and still nothing. I've met seemingly perfect men, who had one small flaw...they've had absolutely no interest in me. I've lost track of how many times I've listened to guys list off the characteristics they are seeking in their would-be wives and mentally checked them off as qualities that I've possessed. But, it's almost as if these men have blinders on and they see everyone else, but me. And as time passes, it's harder to sit and listen to men and their lists, it's harder to put my heart out there and be open to someone who has the potential of chewing it up and spitting it out, it's just plain hard to accept that what seems to come so naturally for some won't come at all for me.

So fine...not EVERYONE gets married. It sucks, but I can accept it. But, when you pack up a dream, it's hard to let yourself build new dreams. You fear dreaming or hoping because you don't want to live through disappointment after disappointment. But, what's the use of living if you have no hopes and dreams. I guess disappointments are snags in the road, but that's life...it's just a series of hurdles...some low, some high...but it's all about having strength to jump over it and keep running...even though another one is just up ahead. It'll take some time for me to get myself motivated enough to keep going...but it's something I can and will do. But right now, I just want to be upset/angry/sad because I'm frustrated...