Recovering from my Bleh days...

After sleeping nearly 72 hours straight and getting IV hydration this morning I'm feeling a lot better.  The past few days were rough, but I think the new trial medicine I was put on will keep the side effects at 5 days...I THINK.  I hadn't been able to eat or drink much at all and that finally caught up with me last night.  I got up to go to the bathroom and suddenly felt really weak.  I started sweating profusely and felt faint.  I leaned my head against the bathroom wall and blacked out and woke up while convulsing.  I literally crawled back to my bed just in time to black out again.  When I came to,  it dawned on me that my blood sugar must be low.  My mom had placed a tin of hershey's kisses by my bed side...and I stuffed a few in my mouth.  It was scary to say the least.

Today, I was able to eat three decent sized meals and haven't dry-heaved at all.  So, I'm hoping each day will get better going forward.  Since I haven't really been leaving my bedroom lately, my frenemy brought over a TV for my room and introduced me to google chrome!  It's been life changing.  He also introduced me to the world of Malayalam movies.  Now, I'm not ready to say I'm a full fledged fan or anything yet.  But I did find it entertaining while I was stuck in bed!  And the songs lull me to sleep in no time!  I have this feeling I'm going to get addicted soon.  

So, on Friday I wanted to share some flashback Friday pics...but didn't feel well enough to blog.  So I thought I'd share those pics today...My aunt had taken these pictures on her phone of albums that were at our family home in India. She showed me all of them during big chemo day...I thought they were way too cute not to post!

My handsome dad and beautiful mom.  

My brother and sister before the light of their lives was born! ;)
I was pretty impressed with their clothes...I'm sure my brother's suit was pretty fly for those days. And my sister was on
point with her mary jane's, fluffy dress and matching bow.  My mom credited my dad for their style!

My brother and me...I think I was probably a year old...already visibly annoyed at him and had my fist ready to punch!


My mom and her her besties at age 16.  This one was really a treasure!  I had never seen a picture of my mom this young.  She's the third one on the right...Little did i know I got my love of accessories from her.  I fell in love with the necklace she was wearing, but of course she says that's long gone.


My mom's group picture reminded me of my own group picture I took at 17...which just seemed funny in comparison!
When I asked my mom why she went to a studio to take a fancy pic with her friends she said she had no idea. Come to think of it...I have no idea why I did either!!

Round 3, day 1...

I can't believe today was the first day of my third round! I am so excited to get Charlotte the hell off of me in 21 days so I can move my dining chair out of my bathroom ( what I hang Charlotte on when I shower) and take a real deal shower without cords, tubes, and stick and seal covering my port! It will be a glorious day!!

Now that I'm almost 1/3 of the way finished with this process, there are more challenges arising which I need specific prayer for but I also had an epiphany about myself that requires a massive praise report!

Prayer request first...MDA...as my luck would have it...they are switching to a new software and therefore reducing the number of patients they are currently taking. The first appointment date they gave me is for April or May!!!! And that's just the FIRST appointment! This is absolutely not going to work considering I have an aggressive tumor!!  So we are currently working on some possible solutions!! God has provided me with excellent and timely care so far...so I'm pretty confident that He will open a new door for me!

Second request...I did take a new anti nausea med that's supposed to last five days..but now as I type I can feel this acidic feeling in my gut and the taste  of metal on my tongue...and so I'm getting a little nervous! I only have 5 or less days to spare for feeling crappy! I'm not doing 21 days of dry heaving this round too!!

Praise report...so dr. H  told me today that if he had to measure the aggressiveness of my chemo on a scale of 1-10...itd measure a 10. He said the other patients in the chemo room are  doing chemos that are at a 3. I was shocked actually and a tad jealous of the lightweights! He said that because I'm young they pull out the hardcore stuff to keep the cancer from coming back. He even said that if a young patient...who was at stage 4 had the same type of cancer he wouldn't run the same chemo that I have because it would probably kill the patient since it's so aggressive!! 

This made me realize the extent of how strong this stuff is!! I have to say God has given me some kind of extra dosage of superhero strength because I feel like I have handled this chemo fairly well...considering! Yes I have hard days and have dry heaved more then I can keep count...and had one mental break down, and maybe a few cry baby minutes...but overall I have done pretty good! My counts are great! I still make time for visitors and answer texts and emails and occasionally craft and clear my plate!! I haven't once considered telling dr h. I needed to drop down a notch and lower my treatment levels...It's definitely been Gods grace!!  1/3 almost down...2/3 left to go! I can do all things through him who gives me strength!

Thinking out loud...

When you are sick people like to tell you to have faith that you will be healed...to speak it into existence...to REALLY believe. I've been told these things a lot lately and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Do I believe God can heal? Absolutely!! My BF is a walking miracle!  She was diagnosed with cardio myopathy when she was 17. Doctors said that she would need a heart transplant to survive. Her heart stopped twice. Not only did her heart start beating again...but she's alive and healthy today without a heart transplant. Anytime I question whether God can heal or not...her life is always my walking, talking example that He can.

But I know a lot of people who do have faith in Gods healing power and who do believe that He will heal them...but never receive their healing. People who trust God suffer every day...and die every day.   So what does that mean? Those people don't believe enough? Or have strong enough faith?  I think it's kind of a dangerous thing to tell people...maybe a false sense of security even...to simply really believe in your healing and it will be received. 

I'll tell you what I do believe. I believe Gods will is perfect...and I trust in that. I know that He has the power to heal me right now and I do not doubt that for a second. But that might not be His will for me. 

When my uncle visited me yesterday he spoke to me about 2 Corintihians 12...which is interesting because I had just read it the day before...so to me, that means God really wants me to understand something from this chapter.  The verse that spoke to me was verse 9..."my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"  

I realized that this verse is what I believe...during this time of weakness ive been able to see how God loves...how He works all things together for good...how He can move mountains...how He provides peace that surpasses all understanding....how there's power in prayer.  I do believe God can heal me...but more importantly, I believe He has a plan and purpose for me...and that's what I choose to put my faith and trust in.

Not-So-Brave Shave...

So, after a lot of thought and deliberation, I decided to shave my head.  Since Christmas day, I had lost a lot of hair, but oddly not enough.  I still had enough hair to wash and comb and tuck in awkwardly underneath my hats.  The hassle was starting to outweigh the reward...it was becoming a source of contention.  I'd find it loose all over my clothes, and I was so worried about cooking and it falling into my food.  So, I decided today would be the day for me to shave it all off.  I considered having a brave shave party.  But there's no way that I have enough bravery to shave off my hair in front of all my friends.  Instead, I sat in my bathroom...facing away from my mirror and let Chocolate Chip shave it off...while H-town provided solace.  Afterwards, they both gave me a hug and let me cry it out.  I wasn't ready to look at it just yet, so I wiped away my tears and slipped my hat back on.  They wanted me to look at it while they were with me, so if I needed to cry more, they'd be there to provide hugs, kind words and tissues.  But I insisted on taking my first sneak peak alone.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry again when I looked at it.  I carefully inspected it and decided I kinda look like Sigourney Weaver in the movie Aliens...and I kinda look like my dad when his hair fell out...our heads are definitely shaped the same way.  Now...am I brave enough to share a hairless selfie?  Uh, no...no I'm not.  I'm not sure that I ever will be.  But, I don't regret my decision.  I do feel like I look less sick and this will be a lot easier to deal with on the daily.  My scalp is still sore...and really itchy...but I'll get used to this eventually.

Prayer Request:  Please pray that my hair does grow back...and that when it does, it will be stronger and thicker then ever before!  

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

Me & Bella...my sister's Dogter

Growing up, my sister was more like a mini mom than she was my sister. Being six years older than me, she took the responsibility of taking care of me while my parents worked. It's been a long time since then but the past three weeks have reminded me of those days. She rubbed my back when I was nauseous, read to me, cooked and cleaned the house. She worked tirelessly to take care of me...even when she might have not had the strength to do it.  I'm sure that when I was younger...I probably didn't appreciate her as I should have and didn't understand that she wasn't being bossy and annoying...but everything she did was out of love.  I'm glad that as I've grown up, I'm able to see and understand that.  The three weeks I had with her flew by and  tomorrow she leaves. I wish I had more good days while she was here so we could have had more fun together...but I'm hoping that when this is all over there will be time for that. 

We spent the day with our uncle and aunt...our dads only brother. He introduced us to distant relatives who we'd never met before that recently moved to Oklahoma....oddly enough this aunty was a ten year breast cancer survivor. She gave me great advice about being optimistic, focusing on my faith...and even how to deal with hair loss. She had long, thick hair and told me that it had all fallen out...including her eyebrows...but it all came back in due time. It may have seemed like a chance meeting...but I believe that was a divine appointment. God sent a little cancer survivor angel aunty to encourage me just at the right time.

I'm not sure what challenges I'll have to face this week. Round three starts Thursday. I wish I had felt better longer in between rounds and I'm really hoping this round is less brutal. More chemo side effects are becoming apparent...my lips are so dry....it doesn't even feel like skin on my lips anymore. They are cracked and constantly burning. I've slathered them with coconut oil and lots of various lip balms but within minutes it soaks in and I'm back to square one. My nail beds and finger tips are turning dark. Luckily it's not painful...It just looks like I have dirty hands, but i painted my nails this weekend so they'd look a little better. My scalp is starting to hurt as well. The hair loss makes it really tender so I have sore spots...My prayer request for this week is ...getting through the red tape at MDA. It's time for me to focus on my transfer there and getting a surgery date scheduled. 

Before-black nail beds 

After-teal nail beds! ;)

Broadening my horizons...

Avacado Smoothie & Sesame balls filled with red bean paste

Since I've been feeling better, H-town thought I should venture out today.   Like out past my 5 mile radius. She suggested we go to the Asian district for boba smoothies!  Avocado smoothies are my absolute favorite, so I couldn't say no!  Then she suggested that since we're on that side of town, maybe we should wig shop.  I thought it wouldn't hurt to LOOK...just LOOK. There were tons of wigs...some utterly ridiculous and some not so bad.  I tried to show the shop owner my original hair to see if there was a close match.  There wasn't.  I never realized how much I loved my hair back when I had it and was complaining about how curly and thin I thought it was.  **sigh**  I learned a lot about synthetic hair vs. real hair wigs.  And why lace front wigs blend into the natural hair line.  It was a lot of information for me to take in.  I tried on a few...and I felt weird and sad that I was even having to try them on.  The girls liked one on me...but I vehemently disagreed. The owner told H-town and Chocolate Chip that he didn't think I would find one that I liked because I didn't seem like I was ready for it.  And he was right...I'm so not.  He assured me that if I changed my mind, he'd remember me and the wig that they liked for me.  I have quite the slouchy beanie  and handkerchief collection now but I guess I wanted a wig just in case.   I haven't found the perfect wig for me...and when I do, I'm pretty sure I'll just know.  But for now, the search continues...To cheer me up, we had two of my favorite things from Cafe Oasis...An avocado smoothie and sesame balls.

The rest of the evening was spent in my craft room.  The girls felt the need to start cleaning it...and I very hesitantly agreed.  To say it's scary in there is a major understatement.  It's really pretty unreal how much junk...err...I mean craft supplies I have in there! Everything from party hats to 6 pounds of bath salts...It's just nuts and hard to contain in one room.  After spending at least two hours in it...they managed to get it about 40% cleaned and 0% organized.  After a certain point...the clutter in there brought out the crazy in all of us!  There's still so much to do, but it's nice to see the carpet again!

Fridge of Fame Friday...

So the project I assigned myself today was to re-do the fridge of fame....I have this thing about throwing out Christmas cards, thank you cards, and wedding invites.  I figure if people care enough to go out and get pictures done and order cards, their efforts shouldn't be tossed in the trash.  A few years ago, my frenemy brought over a box of about a million magnets and told me that he just knew I could find something to do with them.  At the time, I was like...yah, right what the heck am I going to do with a box of magnets?  But I didn't throw it away because I also have this thing about throwing away things that could be possible craft supplies.  I guess it's pretty clear why my craft room looks the way it does..Anyway, a few years ago I finally got a bright idea to cut the pictures off the cards and stick the magnets on them!!!  So they stick to my fridge perfectly without clunky magnets being used to stick them up there.  Today's project was to cut new pics from this year's cards, turn them into magnets, and reorganize the pics on the fridge.  Here's my finished fridge of fame....It's always a focal point and conversation piece at my house.  I mean...who can resist adorable babies, cute puppies, and beautiful people??

Mission accomplished...

So today I was able to scrape myself off the couch and drive to my home away from home...hobby lobby...with my sister. It dawned on me that Mousse's stylish bandanas might actually work as a good head covering option for when I'm sitting around the house. The hair loss is to this really patchy point...and it makes me really uncomfortable to look at it so I'm pretty sure it's pretty upsetting to my visitors too. So I want to cover my head at home but all the covers I have are winter hats which can get pretty toasty when sitting inside my house. Hobby Lobby has a ton of cute prints to choose from and I figure when my hair is back...Moussey can add them to her collection!!

So mission accomplished...I got out of the house today!  It was nice to go on a  little joy ride with my sister, make a starbuckst stop, and jam to some good tunes. Speaking of tunes,  I must also inform you that my ridiculous obsession with Fetty Wap is officially donezo! I have now moved on....to.... Justin Bieber! I'm not ashamed to admit this!! His new CD has made a belieber out of me!  Out with the old...in with the new!!

On the mend...

I haven't felt like myself since the 1st and then yesterday I thought I was finally making progress.  I had one solid good day...no nausea, no migraines, and fatigue was manageable.  I pulled out the Cricut and crafted a bit, managed to eat and keep food down with no dry heaving, and was really chatty with my mom and sister...I felt like I was finally getting back to my old self.  I decided that today, I'd actually get in the car, drive, and do something that I used to do on the regular.  I've been missing my old life...and all the things I used to do that I thought were mundane...like go to work every day, walk mousse, shop, and work on parties.  However, things didn't go as planned.  After breakfast, I felt so nauseous...again...and the dry heaves were back.  I spent the rest of the day feeling pretty blah and couldn't find the energy to drag myself out of the house.

Sometimes how I feel when the day begins isn't how I feel when the day ends.  Things are so unpredictable.  I have just over a week until Round 3 begins...and I don't even feel like I've successfully gotten over Round 2.  Time is moving at warp speed and in slow motion at the same time.  It's hard to put into words how chemo and cancer make you feel.  Everyone always tells me to be positive and think positive...and I think I've done a fairly good job at that for the most part.  I try to take each day as it comes and not think too far ahead.  But some days...being positive is virtually impossible for me...because this road is long and the journey is emotional.

I'm really blessed to have my cancer buddy...he's like my own personal cancer trail blazer.  He's gone through the entire process now and helps me see that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.  He's always been very positive, cheerful, and hopeful... and I've wished many times when I've been down that I could be strong and optimistic like him.  But today, while texting me to encourage me...he said that he had days when he felt only sadness.  He then shared this video of Eric Berry, a pro football player who was diagnosed with cancer and had six months of aggressive chemo.  When I watched the video, I could totally relate to everything he said. My cancer buddy reminded me that if a powerful football player could have a few cry days...then it was ok for us to have a few too.

I'm hoping to finish out this week strong. My goal for tomorrow is to get out of the house, drive, and do something that I used to do.  I didn't get that done today...but tomorrow is a new day!   Until then...I'll leave you with a few pics of my Cricut craft creations...

Thank you cards...

This was the frame I made for cousin Les for Christmas in memory of Bailey the Cat Kurien...

Yah, so this isn't one of my craft creations...but I knew you guys would want to see my insanely cute dog posing in her  Leopard print scarf.  

Round 2...Chemo Won

This is the first day in a long time that I've been up to writing a blog post....I haven't been able to sit up for an extended period of time, much less think and formulate sentences that make sense.  This 2nd round of chemo hit me so hard and knocked me off my feet....literally.  It lasted past the 5 estimated days...and IV hydration didn't help either.   I've been nauseated, and although I have been able to eat a bit and keep it down, I've been dry-heaving relentlessly.  I haven't spent much time out of my bedroom since the 1st...and haven't left the house other than to go see Dr. H.  I'm usually someone who goes stir crazy sitting at home and I'm looking for any reason to get out and about.  But, leaving the house has felt like an exhausting chore.

It's been a tough start to the year.  It seems like all I've been hearing is sad/bad news...so many people are suffering with illnesses...friends and family who are young and would otherwise seem healthy.  I've heard many people say that 2016 is going to be a tough year.  I feel that way too.  Regardless of my health issues...the world just seems to be getting scarier and darker year after year.  I don't mean to be discouraging...On the contrary, I think that no matter how bleak and hopeless things may appear...we should find and hold on to our faith in the midst of it all...because it is the light that will lead us through the darkness.

I felt better today...and hope that tomorrow will be even better. I had some special visitors this afternoon...my uncles and aunts from Texas.  It always makes me happy when my family comes to see me and spends time with me in prayer.  My aunt asked us to read Psalms 34...the whole chapter really touched my heart, but I thought I would share a few verses:

"The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all."

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

So, it looks like I missed the first four days of 2016.   I guess I missed all the New Years hoopla and talk about resolutions and goals and all that jazz...all of which seems pretty irrelevant to me at this time anyways.  I think it's pretty obvious that the typical resolutions I set for myself...losing weight and spending less will be a given....given my current situation.  My only goal for 2016 is to get through this battle with cancer in one piece....and then take an amazing vacation to celebrate the victory, of course.

Mousse gets so sad watching me so I sent her to her granny's for a few days

I've been confined to my bed...in extreme close proximity to my barf bags...and sleeping most of my days away.  Yesterday I dragged myself to the clinic and got some much needed IV's, but still came home feeling pretty nauseated and tired.  I returned back to my bed for more sleep and then dragged myself to the living room to watch the premier of the Bachelor.  You didn't think I'd miss the season premier of the Bachelor did you?!?!? Today, I'm exhausted, but have been sitting up for approximately an hour, so that's a good start.  I also ate breakfast, and I don't feel it creeping back up my throat...also a good start.  My goal is to finish this blog post and then take a very well-deserved nap.

pathetically ill...but thankfully I found some Burt's Bees with lip color tint!

People have asked me if this second round was harder than the first.  And I have to say, yes...it was.  This time I had all the anti-nausea meds I could possibly need, but even still I couldn't really get a
handle on the nausea.  And I think I'm more emotional this time as well...possibly because I see the effects of chemo in the mirror...and it's sad and scary.  I find myself thinking a lot about my dad and wondering how he felt in these moments.  And sometimes, I wonder if he can see me from heaven...and when I think about that...I hope that he can't.  Because I'm sure he'd be sad.  And I'm pretty sure JOY is the only feeling allowed in heaven.

Actually, I take it back...I do have more than one goal for this year.  I want God to use me...my

writing...this blog...to help other people who know Him but don't KNOW Him...to have a better understanding of who He is...how He loves...and to see His light even in the darkest of times.

My verse for the year...I like the New American Standard Version the best:
Ps 46:10
Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

NYE 2015 Pinterest Fail Party...

I spent the day in the clinic getting my 7 hour infusion of chemo cocktail.  BF accompanied me and we came fully stocked with lots of entertainment...adult coloring books, iPads, books, mags...we didn't even use any of our entertainment sources.  We talked the entire time.  It's not often that we even get an hour of uninterrupted talk time so 7 hours was a rare and special treat.  The nurses and docs were in a great mood...they tried to make a pretty crappy situation into a fun one.  I think their plan worked because all the patients were pretty jovial.  They treated us to sparkling fruit juices that we could make toasts with, and Dr. H passed out gifts to his patients.  I even convinced Dr. H to take a picture with me with his silly NYE glasses!  He's always a great sport...so he obliged!

My BF & me....we were later joined by our 3rd counter part, NC...you can only bring 1 person with you to chemo but i was the last person in the chemo room, so they didn't mind that one more person had joined us for a little bit.  The three of us have gone a lot of places and done lots of things together...but I never ever imagined we'd be laughing together in a chemo clinic.

Me & BF cheering with our mango bellini & sangria sparkling juices!

Me & Dr H.  I'm pretty sure I am the only one who is able to convince him to do silly photographs like this with me because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm his big sister from another mister....that's how he cares for me anyway...and I'm so grateful!

Luckily once I got back from infusion I felt pretty well.  My sister and I had whipped up some appetizers and desserts from a few pinterest recipes...which were all pinterest fails!!!!  I've never experienced a pinterest fail before, so I'm going to blame it on the chemo.  A few of my friends and my niece and nephew came over and we played games and ended the night at midnight with sparklers!   By that time...I was totally SPENT!

Had a great time ringing in the new year with my sister and the kids!

Wishing you all a New Year full of sparkles and the presence of  God's light and love in your lives!

Bon Jour!

My mom said that I was so different today than when she saw me yesterday. Apparently I had a lot more life and energy...She has a sneaky suspicion that it has to do with the fact that my sister and BF are here.  I think she's possibly right!  They chilled with me all day, spent time with my visitors, ran errands to prep for tomorrow and even squeezed in lunch at the infamous Johnny Carinos.  And just like the old days...we enjoyed our traditional chocolate cake!  The only thing missing today was......SUNU!  Typically, I get to spend lots of time with Marissa and Andrew...but my sister doesn't get to.  So it's been really nice to spend time with them all together.  We played a not-so-friendly game of Go Fish.  Apparently this crazy competitiveness is genetic...

My hair has been falling out in astonishing amounts lately.  I knew today I'd have lots of visitors because that's usually what happens on the the eve of big chemo day.  I try to squeeze in as many visits as I can since I will spend the next few days feeling pretty sickly.  However, I wasn't prepared to face everyone with how my hair looked.  Luckily one of the new hats my cuzzies helped me picked out came in the mail today!  I think it worked as a pretty good disguise...because my friend from Houston told me that I didn't look sick at all!  He said that I looked like I just got back from Paris!  In fact, he thought Charlotte was my purse!  BF loved my hat so much she ordered me two more in different colors!

Prayer Request:  Tomorrow I spend 7 hours at the clinic for chemo filtration.  Please pray that I feel strong and healthy enough to enjoy ushering the new year with my friends and family!

The Year 2015 in Review...

I did a little reminiscing through pictures on my phone yesterday.  I can't believe this is the final few days of the year...more over, that this is how the year is ending for me.  Looking back, I realize that I must have been in hibernation for the first four months of the year, the summer was jam-packed, the fall was uneventful, and then things took an astonishing turn in the winter.  I thought I'd share a few pictures of the hilights of 2015!

Ok, so clearly this isn't from this year...but, this was too cute for me not to post!  Me and my cousins circa 1980.  The big kids from left to right:  Cousin Abe, brother Abe (looking chipper as ever), sister Beenz, and cousin Faith.
Lil Kids from left to right:  CCL (she's 9 months older than me, please note the height difference!!), cousin Bobby (is it me or does he look like he's up to no good??  I think he probably was! Also noteworthy, he's 2 years younger than me and note the height difference!),  and me (sporting my favorite bright yellow "Daddy's girl" t-shirt!)
THIS ONE'S IN HONOR OF YOU, COUSIN ABE!

Paycom Prom, Feb 2015....Me & Sav...This was when I had a side messy bun made of hair and not jersey knit!

March 2015...nothing momentous happened on this day.  It was just a really good, noteworthy hair day!  (Those are important to me right now!)

May 2015, Mousse was out on a stroll and made a new best friend. ...another chocolate lab that lives in my neighborhood that's the same age as her!  I call them milk & dark chocolate.

June 2015...that one time Sav and I made 50 Harry Potter mugs for Les's bridal shower!

July 2015....that one time I was the only 40 year old at Les's bachelorette weekend in Austin.   I was convinced I would tag along to cook for the girls...little did I know that I would forge some pretty important friendships!  

I spent all summer working out with these folks at the fit camp led by my friend and co-worker, Lauren.  I pushed myself like I never have before and learned how to do pretty decent pushups and squats.  Sure...I threw up after every leg day...but hey, it was worth the results!

August 2015...My once in a lifetime vacation to Greece!   

August 2015....I've never been the wedding planner and the bridesmaid at the same time....but, that just goes to show what I would do for this girl!  This was the day two of my favorite people on the planet became husband and wife!

August 2015...Apparently August was a jam-packed month.  Me & Sheryl decided to go to a old school hip-hop festival.  Any time me & Sheryl decide to do anything it's usually  filled with lots of laughs and lasting memories.  This time she decided that we should dress 90's...and I so stupidly agreed. I get to her house and she looks very 2015 and I have turquoise jeans, neon-colored Biggie shirt, massive bright pink hoop earrings, and a swatch watch.  I looked like an idiot among a sea of people who were NOT dressed 90's.  Thank you, Sheryl for your bright ideas!  We did have a blast though!  And DJ Kool literally came right up to us and serenaded us!  (DJ Kool .."Let me Clear my Throat"...an oldie but a goodie!)

October 2015...I thought this was a simple birthday dinner with Sav...and then I walk in to see my amazing co-worker friends and my 2 besties from high school!!  What a sweet surprise!  

And there you have it folks my year (+ 1980 throwback) in review...before things got kinda cray!  I think this trip down memory lane taught me a few things:  

1.  Take the time to make memorable moments more often...Live a little!

2.  Be open to new experiences because you never know what opportunity God is opening up for you or what lesson he's trying to teach you...

3.  You never know how drastically life will change.  How you start the year, may not be how you end the year.  Spend less time complaining and more time appreciating.

Weekend in review...

So much of the weekend was spent trying to find hair alternatives.  I was so happy to have my cuzzies, Leslie and Ansley with me because otherwise, I'm not sure I could actually stop pouting about it long enough to find alternatives.  The three of us sat on my couch with my laptop and looked at hats and wraps for what seemed like forever.  We finally found a really easy head wrap on you tube that was made out of a t-shirt of all things!  I found an extra t-shirt and tried it out! What do you think?  I think I liked it because I can add to it with flowers or intertwine scarves of other colors.  And it kinda reminded me of how I wore my hair in a side bun for Paycom Prom...except the side bun is now jersey knit!  We ordered a few hipster hats too...so we'll see how those look when they come in.  I'm so glad my sweet cousins came to town for Christmas!  God definitely knew that I would need my little cuzzie angels' love and support this weekend.

The weather took a turn and this morning we woke up to ice.  I was hoping this would keep my cousins here for a few more days, but they're not little kids anymore...they're grown adults with jobs and responsibilities, so they braved the weather and went home.  My sister is supposed to come in tomorrow, but the weather is going to be horrible, so her and BF will both be arriving Tuesday!  I'm anxiously awaiting their arrival!  In the meantime, Mr. BF paid me a visit today since he arrived a few days early!  We played a friendly game of Scrabble...which we haven't done in years!  I had forgotten what a bad sport he was!!  I was clearly annihilating him, and he couldn't take the pain of defeat...so before we were even finished, he came up with a clever excuse to leave!!  So. Typical.

I feel like this is going to be a tough week.  I'm going to take it one day at a time.
Prayer requests:  Please pray that the weather clears up and that my  sister and BF will arrive safely!  Also pray that God gives me a little extra strength and bravery to get through this week and all the challenges it will entail!

Christmas Day...

Christmas Day had a few unexpected surprises...today I noticed that my hair is starting to fall out.  I have to admit it was alarming to see that much hair coming off in clumps.  It's not like I have super thick hair as is, so I'm pretty territorial over what I do have.  I went through a pretty wide range of emotions....first astonishment, then fear, then sadness.  I never thought I'd be exempt from this side effect...I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

Although I love clothes, accessories, and make up...I don't consider myself vain or high maintenance in the least.  Obsessive compulsive, perhaps.  High maintenance, definitely not.  But, there's just something about my hair that I can't imagine living without.  I think that's definitely a girl thing.  A girl's hair is her crown.  A bad hair days means a bad day.  From the amount I saw falling out yesterday, I feel like this is going to happen fairly quickly.  A week...two at the most?   I didn't know this would happen in round one.  Now I'm just having to deal with this much sooner than I expected.

People are asking me about wigs vs. cool head covers and whether I want to let it all fall out vs. shaving it off.  I can't even wrap my head around the fact that MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT to even fully answer these questions.  But here are some of my thoughts...

A. I'm not sure a cool head cover has been invented just yet.  So I'm going to use all my creative powers to come up with some kind of cool option for the masses.  But until I come up with something, I've seen some cute hats that might suffice.

B. I haven't met a wig that I've ever liked.  I remember when my dad had chemo...He had this beautiful curly hair that he used to let me put barrettes in.  And then one day, it started falling out.  It was devastating to all of us.  Back then, guys didn't really walk around like Mr. Clean with their brain lines showing like they do now.  So I think my dad felt like he had to cover his head.  I can still picture that horrid thing...It was nothing like my dad's hair that was so full of his character...instead, it was black and straight and lifeless.  And ever since then, I've had this deep, seeded contempt for wigs.  I know wigs are totally different these days and there's a lot of amazing options.  I'm willing to explore them, but I'm just not 100% convinced that it's going to be my thing....I'm not even 50% convinced.

 

C.  Shaving my head...hmmm.  Lots of people have head shaving parties, so that they're surrounded by lots of love as they take the power of hair loss into their own hands.  Now, I've never been one to turn down having a good party.  The party planner in me has already mentally designed invitations...but realistically, I don't think I can muster up the strength to shave my head in the privacy of my bathroom...much less in front of a room full of people.

Basically, I have no idea how I'm going to handle this.  I don't know if all these thoughts I've shared will be the same way I feel tomorrow.  My thoughts and feelings are changing minute to minute these days.  I know it's just hair and it'll grow back, but it's still a major concern for me...as silly as it might seem.  At this moment, I'm pretty inconsolable about this...I have to handle it in my own time in my own way.  For now, this means...I have decided not to blow dry or straighten or add anymore unnecessary heat to my hair.  I want to protect all the hair I currently have. I've spent my entire life fighting my natural curls (which I  inherited from my dad), but now I'm going to just let them be free!!!  I also decided I'm going to take a lot of pics and post a lot of pics here on the blog, so I can look back and remember what I used to look like because I feel like before long I won't be recognizable.

That being said...pictures from Christmas!

Me, Miss, and Andrew...missing
Aaron!

Ansleykins

Ansleykins got me this amazing Notorious BIG shirt for Christmas!!!  This adds to my collection of Biggie shirts...but by far, it's my current favorite!!  

Me and my boy...Andrew overheard me having a conversation with my mom  about my hair falling out.  He asked me what we were talking about.  I felt like I should be honest with him.  This was hard for me to do because he's 12 now, and I was 11 when my dad was diagnosed.  So, I know how hard it is to watch all of this at a young age.  So I proceeded to tell him that my hair was starting to come out.  He had a few questions for me about my eyelashes and eyebrows.  I tried to explain that I didn't know exactly what all would fall out but that I will definitely look different.  He said super sweetly, "It's OK, Sue Aunty."
A few tears leaked out.

My mom &Aunt with my nephew & niece.  We grew up calling my Aunt, Molly Aunty...and then when my oldest nephew, Aaron was born, he combined Molly + Amachi and started calling her Mochi.  The name stuck and now everyone calls her Mochi....kinda like all my kiddos call me Sueny.

my cuzzies...Ashley, Wes, & Ansleykins

      

My Christmas Mantle...my coworkers brought over the S...with all my colleagues signatures with sweet messages...which happened to match my mantle perfectly!

Andrew and Missa's gingerbread house!

Christmas Eve...

It's been a full day...I got the worst part out of the day over first....chemo refill.  Refill days aren't nearly as bad as filtration days, but I do have to get my port re-accessed for refills...without any numbing cream.  Last time I refilled, the nurse promised that next time I'd be able to use the cream if I brought it.  So, I let her re-access with the hope that next time would be less painful.  This time I came fully prepared with the cream in hand, but this nurse told me there's no way the cream would have enough time to work so it'd be pointless.  She then proceeded to re-stick me.  It hurt, not horribly...I think my feelings were hurt worse.  I was trying to choke down the lump of disappointment that had formed in my throat.  I didn't even know why I was getting so upset over it.  I think I just felt like my previous nurse had lied before to appease me...and I felt a little tricked.  But then, it was like God knew my feelings were hurt, and he sent his little angel nurse, Melinda (my favorite chemo nurse at Dr H's office).  She was just passing by and saw me, came over to ask me if I was doing okay, wish me a Merry Christmas, and then she gave me a big, heart-warming hug.  I wish every nurse in the chemo room had the same compassion as she does...but I am so grateful for her because she is definitely a ray of sunshine on very gray days!

Afterwards, I felt pretty wiped out...I spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Kardashians marathon on TV with my cousin, "Iguess"...which eventually made me fall into a deep, much needed slumber.  I woke up just in time for Missa & Andrew and our traditional viewing of the Elf.  Afterwards, Andrew insisted on playing a friendly game of Scrabble.  I tried to warn him that I don't play "friendly" games.  I'm competitive...yes, even when playing against a 12 year old.  I did, however, suggest that he ask his big sister to be his partner to help him.  He thought that I was giving him a helpful suggestion...but actually, I was just trying to annihilate both of them so I could gloat more.  Yes, I'm a very bad sport.

After my victory...Mousse and I spent the rest of the evening waiting for Ansleykins and Wes to  arrive from Texas.  And just when I thought the night was over,  and we could all just go to bed...Santa arrived!  He walked in singing a Justin Bieber song and ate the kale chips I left out for him...He came bearing gifts...a lifetime supply of popcorn!  I thought Santa would leave considering he had been spotted.  But no, he decided to sit and chat a while...told a lot of dramatic stories replete with flailing hands and reenactments and played that Justin Bieber song on repeat on his Bose speaker.  Finally Santa realized there were more gifts to deliver, crunched a few more kale chips, hopped on his sleigh singing the SAME Justin Bieber song and rode into the night!  Good riddance, Santa!

And that, my friends...was Christmas Eve!  Let's see what adventures can be had on Christmas!

So Fresh and So Clean....Clean...

So my girl had her spa day today! The mobile groomer that CCL hooked us up with turned out to be great! I put her on her leash and she had no problem skipping out the door with a complete stranger.  My heart sank a little bit.  But, she definitely hesitated getting in the groomer's van...which was good to know that she wouldn't just jump in the car of any stranger.  Yes, I'm worried about my dog getting kidnapped.  After two hours with the groomer, she came back home looking so fresh and so clean, clean!  The best thing about it is that they de-shed her!!  The groomer dropped her off with a present for Mousse (dog biscuits) and for me (hand lotion)!  Pretty sweet! We were both impressed!!  Thanks, CCL!!

I was going a little stir crazy sitting at home, so I had my niece, Marissa  (Missa, as I like to call her) take me out and about.  My niece and nephew arrived on Monday for their Christmas break.  It's always nice having them around....especially now since Missa drives. Although  I do still drive,  it's nice to know that if I tire out, she's finally old enough to take the wheel.  I'm excited to do our Christmas tradition while they're here...which basically consists of eating delicious appetizers on Christmas Eve as we watch the movie Elf!!  This year, we're adding the construction of a gingerbread house to our tradition!

For the first time ever tonight, Charlotte's alarm went off.  This typically indicates that there's something wrong in the flow of chemo.  I panicked a bit, but finally pulled myself together long enough to call the "in case of emergency # on Charlotte.  The person on the phone basically talked me through taking Charlotte apart to see if there were any kinks.  The problem at hand is that I only have approximately a tablespoon left of 5 FU.  Hopefully we solved the problem temporarily for tonight and tomorrow is chemo refill day!  Just how I wanted to spend Christmas Eve....

One day at a time...

I'm having a little trouble sleeping tonight...well, the past few nights....I'm feeling kind of anxious about my next big chemo day which is looming.  It's really hard to believe that my first 21 days is almost over.  My sister and my BF will both be here with me the next time around...but I'm worried about  how I will react to it this time and what they'll have to witness those few days right after my 2nd round.  I'm not one of those people who googles and researches everything there is to know about my diagnosis and treatments.  In fact, until tonight...I've done really good about just getting facts from Dr. H and my cancer buddy.  Sometimes the internet can be grim and depressing.

The other day my sister suggested that perhaps I won't get as sick as I did the first round.  Maybe my insides won't freak out and wage a war against me since they've now had the chemo once before.  It seemed like a sensible suggestion...so I decided I'd go on line and research it.  Can we say....BIG. MISTAKE?

I guess this is what happens when your mind gets ahead of you.  I told myself I'd take each day as it comes and just try and get through the best I can without thinking ahead.  But tonight I got way ahead of myself and read things that I shouldn't have.  I was quickly reminded of Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Ain't that the truth?  Thankful to God for his reminders that He's still in control...and that He's bigger than 5FU, the red devil, and cisplatin...(my chemo cocktail).

No more googling random things late at night...

Prayer Request:  I'm tired all the time, but I can't seem to get any sleep.  I have a hard time falling asleep at night and in the day time I'm really good at finding things to keep me awake too....and all this only makes me more tired.  I think I'm avoiding sleep because I've been having weird dreams with chemo that usually make me jolt awake several times.  Please pray for restful nights of uninterrupted sleep!

Crafting Therapy...

I saw a project on Pinterest that I wanted to try making as a Christmas present, so I went on a short trip to my home away from home this morning...Hobby Lobby.  I haven't been there in what seems like decades...but I'm sure it's just been a few weeks.  It felt so....right...being in my natural habitat.  I left the store invigorated and inspired!  This weekend, Htown wiped the dust off  the box of the brand new Cricut Explorer that I had gotten for my birthday last year.  I'm not one to read directions, so instead I do everything the old fashioned way with scissors and my hand...even though I have modern technology literally waiting for me to use it right at my fingertips!  I saw the joy in her eyes and the delight in her maniacal laugh as she used the Cricut to make the most amazing t-shirts for her church youth.  The t-shirts looked like they had been ordered from a professional.  It made me think that maybe I needed to get in on how to use this amazing machine.  It helped that she already read the directions and now I wouldn't have to....I could just sucker her into teaching me!  And today...I did just that!  I actually used the new machine to make the project.  I would post a picture of the finished product, but it's a Christmas present...and I would definitely let the cat out of the bag for the person I made it for.  

It felt really good to start something and finish it...It made me realize that I need to keep myself as active as possible and keep doing things that I enjoy on days that I feel well.  Turns out that crafting is a great distraction and pretty therapeutic so I guess I will keep pinteresting little projects and work on them when I can.  And maybe even one of these days....I'll organize my craft room!!