Such a fitting real name for Charlotte, my chemo pack that I cart around 24/7. I remember on Day 1, Round 1 I saw a guy come into the chemo room who was about my age. He had these dark bags under his eyes and he looked so tired. He slept pretty much the entire time he was there. Now I know why...5 FU.
Most days I know that God has a plan for me...even in the midst of fighting through this disease. Most days I know that I'm blessed because I have lots of love and support. But today...right now...for some reason, I'm really annoyed. It's annoying to cart around this crossbody bag all the time like I'm going somewhere, except that I'm not...and it's annoying to have this extra long tube hanging from my shirt that sometimes lassos around my dog's tail...and it's annoying to hear this little "adding machine" like sound and know that I'm getting pumped up with some more 5FU that is going to make me so exhausted from doing something as simple as taking a breath.
I'm not typically a positive..."look on the bright side" type of girl. I've been compared to a few disney characters in my lifetime...no, not princesses like Jasmine and Ariel...more like Eeyore, the manic depressive donkey friend of the pant-less bear Winnie...and most recently, Sadness from Inside Out...(yes, I have to admit the resemblence on that one is a little uncanny...short of not being blue.) So a lot of people have been astonished and amazed at how well I've handled my diagnosis. And I have to say that the peace and strength I've felt so far have definitely come from God. There's no other explanation.
But I don't feel strong every day...and even though I am, I don't feel blessed every day. Some days I'm scared...and sad...annoyed...and just exhausted. I'm pretty sure all those feelings are normal and okay too...especially since I'm dealing with 5 FU on the daily. I think it's important to be honest about all my feelings here...the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Tomorrow, I go back for my first refill for Charlotte. I'm only excited about this because I get to change the bandages on my port and get it cleaned...which is a really good thing because if I had to wait one more day, I might just scratch this port right outta my flesh! I'm also happy that CCL is coming tomorrow to stay with me for a few days!!! It will be so nice to have her here with me and maybe I can even convince her to take me out of the house!
To end this post on a positive note, I will share a praise report! I talked to my cancer buddy for quite some time today! He sounded fantastic...full of life and energy. He's doing so great post surgery and is even leaving the hospital on Friday...just a week after such a major surgery. He feels awesome and strong and so happy to have the cancer out of his body! Thank you to all of you who thought of him and kept him in your prayers as well! It's so great to see prayers being answered!!
1 comment:
I was compared to the little girl from "home" recently. Esp when I tie my hair in a pony tail I was told :)
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